First of all, it’s been almost eight months that we’ve been together (including that little break, but whatever) and I’m still afraid to say that I love you. It’s not that I don’t, I’m afraid to be rejected. Also in any of my relationships, I’ve never been the first to say it. I want to get drunk enough that one night I can drunk call you to do so, but we’ll see.

Okay, your timing with me has always been really bad. The first time you made an attempt was when I when I kind of got back with my ex. The next time was your most appropriate attempt, but a little too late, as I had fallen for someone else. You final attempt at me was your downfall. You chose the most inappropriate time to get a hold of me (less than 24 hours after a break up). You came off a nerd that loved video games and offered me Portal 2 (I still extremely regret not taking this up though) but played the “I’m lame and dumb” card. Then when I showed signs of wariness, you played it off as if you had no interest at all. Like fuck you.

I don’t know why but recently I have been starting to remember how much of a dick you were towards (and after) the end of our relationship. You would make plans and never include me. You blew off visiting me when I got my wisdom teeth out. When I would make plans and not include you, it was like the end of the world. You forgot to request off for prom and made it seem as if it was my fault. And god forbid I ever smoked a cigar. I mean we are cool now and you were still my most successful relationship, but I still don’t forget that.

I want someone to take really tasteful nudes of me.

I’m really hoping you comeback to Pittsburgh in the fall. Or at the very least, keep your apartment lease.

April 27, 2012- 3:51 p.m.

Song: Childish Gambino- Heartbeat

We both admitted that we were scared. When I asked if you’ll visit me, you danced around the question or you jokingly say no, and I feel like there is truth in that. I want to keep my status as the most rational girl ever, but I feel like that for once in this relationship that could hurt me. I mean, rationally speaking, we aren’t ever going to be in the same city ever again unless you go transfer to a school here one day.  But, I really like you. Like enough to pay forty dollars every two weeks to take a train to see you. Enough to skype you a few nights a week. But I can’t make you do something you don’t want to.

I feel bitchy for saying this, but stop talking.

April 16, 2012- 1:35 a.m.

Song: Ben Folds Five- Best Imitation of Myself

So it’s the week before finals. This could totally reciprocate last semester. Today didn’t show any signs of that not happening. Also I just really feel like shit lately. I’ve gained weight, I’m out of shape, I’m broke, my grades aren’t completely what I had hoped that they would be, my dad made little (actually no) effort to see me while he was in Pittsburgh, I have no clothes for summer that look good on me, I just kind of feel left out, I depend on the same person for plans, I have to take a loan out no matter what I decide to do, my nose still gets a periodic bump thing, my friends from home seemed to have lost touch/interest in me. I’m also really bored with my hair. Or maybe even myself. I haven’t actively sought out new music lately. Even if things pan out nicely over the next two weeks, I may be facing another long distance relationship. Tomorrow when I finish my homework, I’m taking a walk I think.

April 14, 2012- 10:06 p.m.

Song: Childish Gambino- Lights Turned On

So it’s a Saturday night and I’m eating tuna out of a plastic container. Georgie is in Johnstown and I think Jack went out.  I’m poor and have to wait until Friday for a decent check. It sucks how I don’t go out like I used to. I never see anyone that I hung out with last semester at all. I don’t smoke anymore so I don’t sit outside. Also I wish some people were as generous with their money as I am. Not in a “give money to charity” way but “I’ll order food and let you have some” way. Like at the beginning of the semester I would order a pizza or something and tell whoever it was not to worry about it. Because I’m nice. But it’d be cool if like once in a while, someone would be like “yo, have half a pizza just because”. I wish Andrew would come back to Pittsburgh. I like going over to Oakland to hang out. Plus I feel really cool being like “yeah, going to hang out with my friend who is like super musically talented and awesomer than you’ll ever be”. 

April 1, 2012- 1:58 a.m.

Song: Passion Pit- Sleepyhead

Jack disappeared 5eva. I want him to get here and text me so we can cuddle. I’d be down for sex but I’m totally a million percent okay with going to sleep. I’m in the middle of a “I miss him” state and “I hope he is alive” state. Also that means I shaved for no reason. That happens like every fucking time. If I don’t hear from him tonight he better make a day for me tomorrow. We’re going to be apart for like six days soon. And then shortly after that, like three and a half months, not counting little visits. I just want cuddles and love. I think that’s fair. He has become more affectionate lately and it’s really spoiling me. He even slips “I love yous” more often and I think he wants to actually say it. Sorry for gushing. The past few days have been really great. I wish my drunkeness didn’t wear off already and I wish Scott Pilgrim was working.

To you: I love you. You’re my best friend here. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have grown to love being away from home. I’ve learned to dress better (I think) because of you. You’re amazing with words and I love reading your writing. When you get mad you do say things that are a little extreme, but you usually realize that. Just please learn to respond. You’re terrible at it. I’ve spent full days in my room waiting around for you. If you can’t/don’t want to hang out, fine, but please let me know so I don’t waste hours doing nothing waiting for a response. Also, please actually watch Arrested Development before you start quoting it. You don’t understand half the quotes anyway.

To you guys: You all used to be really fun to hang out with. I really looked forward to weekends and drinking and such. I actually hung out with you all regularly. Then my friend started to feel distant and left the group. Then I just got left out by default. Now when I’m around you I feel socially anxious. It sucks.

To you: I really don’t know what to make of you. We share the same mindset when it comes to a lot of things. Your sense of humor is dazzling. Your presence makes me swoon. I think I love you, I mean I feel a way about you that I’ve felt before to people I’ve said I’ve loved. So I think it’s fair. But I don’t know about you. And when I drunkenly said I loved you we played it off as a slip of the tongue. Now I’m even more afraid to tell you. I still feel like I don’t know you a lot. Or even, you don’t know me. You show no interest in wanting to know me. You suck at communicating. And I have this fear you’ll only keep me around until summer. I love you but I’m scared and it weighs on me everyday.

To you: You aren’t all that great. You think because you know people who do certain things, you know just as much by association. Your sense of humor sucks. You think everyone gets a kick out of what you say. Also you belittle the mainstream because you’re elitist.

To you: You fucked up my perception of relationships. Also we’re never hooking up again. You’re too possessive and you’ve lost touch with who you were. Also every decision you’ve made this year has been terrible. And Kristin will never want you.

To you: Why the fuck did you defriend me on Facebook. Trivial, I know.

To you all: You are the most annoying group of classmates ever. I want to punch you all.

To you: I love you. You’re my best friend for life. I’ve grown to accept some of your shitty quirks, but you’ve gotten better. We read each other better than anyone ever.

To you: Sorry I tried to be promiscuous over Christmas break and lead you on and then stopped.

To you: Stop cleaning the bathroom at the time when four girls in our hallway get ready for class. You hear us bitch. You see us all roll our eyes. Also you are too socially awkward. Like be a jolly cleaning lady. And listen to better music.

To you all: It’s great you’ve all found a cause to care for. But there are better ones out there.

To the rest of you: Belittling the people I mentioned above doesn’t make you smarter or better or “more aware”.

To you: You’re creepy and weird.

To you: I get it. Your life is awesome. You get into whatever school. You meet the president. You’re valedictorian. You’re two years younger than me and probably forgot my existence. So this seems pathetic.

To you: I envy your life.

March 9, 2012- 12:24 a.m.

Song: Allison Weiss- I Was An Island

I really haven’t written for a while so I guess I’m overdue for some life stories. As of recently my school group of friends has become extremely faction-y. It’s actually gotten quite childish. There’s usually silence or awkward small talk when there are run-ins. It all makes me actually realize that I miss and appreciate my friends from home. Which brings me to another point: board games. I was at Goodwill on Wednesday when I saw Risk. I so wanted to buy it but did not. I have a love/hate relationship with the game. I hate it while I play it, but any other time I love it and love how a group of friends can call each other up at midnight during the summer and get a game together. Here, that would never happen. I probably couldn’t get three people to play if I paid. It just seems as if everyone here likes getting together when drinking or getting high is involved.  Not that my friends from home or I don’t like either of those things, we certainly do, but we can find fun in company and board games and movies and Denny’s and music sober. I miss summer, even if I was a bit emotionally off the deep end, which I sort of admit now.

If I was asked to think of a song that reminded me of you I would pick “To the Dogs or Whoever”. I never heard it while we dated the first time around. It was the middle of winter break. It was a point during break that I had begun to learn to become more independent and I really believed I was beginning to find myself.  I was asked to go to my friend Andrew’s show in Harrisburg, PA. I went with a bunch of friends, some of which I had just recently made, even Andrew a bit. I never told my mom about it, and when she asked where I was later that night, I said I was only in State College. Such a badass, right? Anyway, on the way to the show we stopped at this little restaurant in Harrisburg. It was called Neato Burrito. Prior to this, I hadn’t spoken or texted you and I was waiting for an excuse that I could casually do it without seeming like I missed you too much or being awkward. I felt like telling you about the place was an appropriate excuse. After I sent the text, which made my face turn red as I typed it out, I sat there at my booth-table with my burrito bowl waiting for a reply. After about ten minutes I figured you got it and ignored it, wanting to just ignore my existence. Then you replied. It was friendly, and you even apologized for not talking to me. We talked and you offered to make up for the meal you owed me by taking me to Chipotle. It made me a lot more excited to get back to school. The entire conversation made my night and I was probably all smiley and I would reread the conversation without realizing it (which was probably creepy, sorry). So throughout the show, I got back into this living life state of mind and I watched Andrew play and was all proud. All through the show, in the back of my mind, I would just think of how oddly happy that conversation made me happy. Towards the end of the show, Koji played his set and he played this song, “To the Dogs or Whoever”, which I had never heard before. Not many people knew the words so they didn’t sing aloud, except for my two friends Andrew and Josh, which just made me enjoy the song a little bit more. The next morning I looked up the lyrics (the few that I could fully remember) and finally came across the song, and to my surprise was actual a Josh Ritter cover. I listened to the song repeatedly, just feeling this sentiment of happiness of how much I liked the song with the night overall and the butterfly-happy feeling I got from the fact that you actually talked to me.

So I went a while without listening to it. Then things happened that really hurt our relationship. The next day after we had a talk, I sat at my computer looking for something to occupy myself with. I decided to make a new little playlist of songs that I hadn’t listened to for a while that I hadn’t downloaded to my computer. After a few songs, I remembered this one. I played it continuously. I fell in love with it. Every time I went back to that feeling of that night. It just reminded me of you and burritos. It was a song that if I could actually play guitar, I would totally play it for you. And the lyrics even made me think of you in some parts. Maybe, I dunno. I try to do that with a lot of songs.